Subconscious Suicide

For me, I have a voice inside my head that tells me whenever I have an opportunity to kill myself I should. Standing on a ledge, “just jump off” whispers in my head. Driving around a fast corner, speed up and spin into a tree. I work on small aircrafts. What if you just slipped off the aircraft getting out of the cockpit. How close can you get to the intake before you get sucked in, try it. On the ship, its only 35 feet you cannot die…. if you do it right, try it. Sitting in the cockpit, go ahead, pull the handle, see if the pin catches it. Slide under your car, its fine. I bet if you jumped overboard no one would see you.  I used to fill every second of my day with something, music, socialization, loud noises, the rest of it. All of this so I would not be taunted by my own thoughts. The other side of my brain? Reminding me of facts and ratios. Could I survive a ten-foot drop from a building? Probably, yes, if I landed a certain way that does not involve organs being crushed. But unfortunately, I do not possess the training to fall properly. The moment I started to honor those thoughts, the easier it was to take moments of peace, joy, and not destruction. Now I have those thoughts I reason and rationalize like my brain is the brain of a threenager with autism. No honey we cannot do that, you could die, you could break a bone, you could do yada yada yada. I eventually gave my mind a piece of itself. I had suffered one day. My subconscious had enough and decided that it was going to tell me “If you leave right now, you could be out of cell service by the time someone asks where you are.” I was terrified. My own mind has finally rebelled against myself. I remember sitting in my car and glanced at my wallet that had my ASIST card facing outward. I used training that I received meant to utilized on others on myself. Read my notes and then contacted chaps. When you sit with your thoughts and treat them as if they were a real person, I realized that yes, I have self-respect. The thoughts still loud, every church building has stained glass windows that measure usually showing a type of frequency. And I n the end, I still got in my car like the voices in my head were mine to control, like I could scream to match the frequencies and break every glass window. If I scream, I become spotted. I wish to scream in private.

I had to remind myself these thoughts are not conscience thoughts. These are subconscious thoughts; I do not control the appearance of these thoughts. I only control what happens after these thoughts appear. One option, go ahead and do the action, or take a step back acknowledge the craziness of the thought. I learn to accept the thoughts as a part of me and who I am.  These thoughts do not make up what I am and that is where the sidewalk ends.